I just came from a visit with you. I have been left filled with love and sorrow and much to think on.
You were there for me, no matter what. Now I feel such guilt that I am far away. And I don’t know how to fix it, or how to change my life and get closer to you.
I feel regret, I feel I have abandoned you. What a heartache a child is. So much is invested and then one day, she is gone. Without notice.
And when I moved away, I was most worried about leaving you. But then, you, in your soul soothing way, told me “It’s ok, sweetie, we will see you soon”.
You had that peace about you. That peace I never fully understood or appreciated, until I became an adult fraught with anxiety. I don’t know if I will see you again, this side of Heaven. To be honest, I don’t know if I want to either. You want to go home and I want that for you. For you have suffered enough in these last few years. Your heart, your smile, your grace still shines through. But you are a shell of who you once were. And being the one who was always there for others, it must hurt to be no longer able to do what gave you joy and to be the person you once were.
Leaving you, I am left with so much to think about. Am I on the right path? Is this where God would have me? Did I give you enough? Was I too selfish?
You gave so much of yourself. Every day. Every day. Every day.
My heart cannot fathom to understand. How much you loved me. How gracious you were. How much I took for granted. Your kindness. Your mercy. Your patience, your love.
I am humbled, and ashamed. And wish I could have given you more. But now, dear Grandma, on this side of Heaven, we are out of time.