I’m currently reading the book Start, by Jon Acuff. Actually I’m re-reading it for the second time. This time, it feels so much more real (because, well, I’ve actually started to pursue the work of meaning that I’ve been avoiding for so long).
And that’s probably why so many of the things in the book are hitting harder this time.
In one of the chapters on fear and doubt, the author talks about the voices that lie deep within us. These voices are what first come to mind when we brush our teeth in the morning, when we go to bed at night, and when we are about to try something new. These voices are rarely positive, they never come to us with a “You got this sister”, or “Shine on little lady, the world needs you”. Most of the time, these voices are crippling, over exaggerated, and full of fear. It’s these voices that say “Who do you think you are to be pursuing this?” or“ Wow you’re looking really washed up and old today” or “ Do you really think you have what it takes?”. When it comes to finding voices of discouragement, disbelief or even disgust in ourselves, we don’t need to travel far to find them: they are already living deep within us. While they sound convincing, these inner voices are phantoms: they seem convincing, yet it’s all a ruse to keep us playing small and crush the very core of who we are.
But what about the times when these voices don’t come from within us, but from someone around us? What about the times when these voices are so loud that they seem audible, because, well, the voices ARE audible. What about the times when the phantom voices come from real people?
Warding off negative beliefs about ourselves is hard enough, it’s even more challenging when the insults and daggers are thrown your way by a toxic person. Often, their attacks leave us feeling defiled, confused, and sad- all in one fell swoop. Sometimes their negative utterances get sowed into our psyche and absorbed by our soul and we can no longer tell where their cruelty ends and where we begin.
I recently met with a friend who, as a child, heard his mother tell him (on repeat) that no woman would ever love him. Sometimes she would say this to him out of exasperation over his behaviour as a small child, sometimes she would say it to him in anger, but every time, it hurt him. Slowly and steadily, the voice that once belonged to his mother became a part of him. Eventually, her words became deeply embedded and he started living them out in every interaction with the opposite sex. He wanted desperately to find a woman and get married, but he believed he wasn’t worthy ( so why even try?).
The problem with having negative words spoken over us is they eventually become fused into the fabric of our identity and we adopt it as our own. When this happens, we have a hard time recognizing that it wasn’t ours to begin with.
If we’re not vigilant, the negative voices spoken over us, become us.
Thankfully, there are a few things we can do to fend off this fusing.
Number 1: Identify the source.
The first thing to do when confronted with a negative voice is identify where the voice is coming from (this may sound redundant because you may have heard the words come directly out of someone’s mouth, but stay with me for a moment here). What I mean is you need to evaluate who the words came from. Is this someone who is typically critical of you and everyone else? Is this someone who knows you well? Does this person play a significant role in your life, or are they merely an unnecessary extra? Identifying the source is key because you first need to determine if the person speaking is even worth listening to (if they are not in your inner trusted circle, it’s best to take their words with a bucket of salt).
Number 2: Speak and write the words out loud.
Speak and write the words out loud, as soon as possible. If you find yourself confronted by critical or condemning words, write them down. Writing them down serves two functions. 1. It takes the words out of your mind (where they can burrow deeply and dwell) and 2. It creates space between you and the voice. This helps give perspective, and helps you better analyze the words (which we will get to in the next step).
Number 3: Test the voice.
Ask yourself: “Is what this person is saying true? Is it always true?” If you have a hard time answering this question, revisit the negative words that were spoken, and write down all the instances in your life that negate the negative statements. Build a case for yourself and shut that voice up once and for all.
Number 4: Rewrite the script.
This is the fun part. Once you have dispelled the lies of the negative voice, it’s time to replace them with some thought bon-bons (doesn’t that just sound delightful and delicious?). What is a thought bon-bon, you may ask? A thought bon bons is anything that is sweet, lovely and pure to think on. It can be hopeful words about your future, scripts of gratitude and affirmations about yourself.
It’s negative voices that tell us we’re not enough, that we will fail again, or that we are doomed. Sometimes these voices come from deep within, but other times, these voices are louder than life because they are yelled from the roof top by a hater. When the phantom voices come from a real person, we need to fight even harder to keep them from clouding our mind, our beliefs and our sense of self. Negative voices will come. But they don’t have to become you.